Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
