im six kinds of drunk right now
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
