we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
