Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
