You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
