You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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