You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
