Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
