I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
