If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
