this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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