Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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