Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
