The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
