if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
she told me i tasted like america
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
