You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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