Already got asked if we're dating
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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