there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
