This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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