Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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