I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
