Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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