I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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