I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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