I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
