do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just had sex on a roof
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
