This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
