Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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