mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
