my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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