Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
