i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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