Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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