someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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