he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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