We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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