just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize