There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
