Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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