I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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