Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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