i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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