i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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