I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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