I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
