My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
