I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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