She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
