Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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