He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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