Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
