Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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