What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
