Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
