I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
