I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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