I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
