I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
